The Hypocrisy of A 20-Something Life and Why The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side

Seattle apparently has not seen rain in 30 days. Don't cry for Seattle, because New York has decided to steal the title of Rain City. It wouldn't be wise to leave the house without an umbrella, and some of us are contemplating pharmaceutical assistance in getting through these gray days.

Today was all gray sunshine - alternately rain/cloudy and sunny, and one of my favorite kinds of days. Being the fool that I am and feeling that it was perfect sitting-in-a-coffee-shop-kind-of-day, I ventured out just as the clouds gathered to sit in and write. I was under the false impression that I had an umbrella tucked somewhere in my fashionably oversized handbag. I was also wearing flip-flops and a silk shirt. Luckily, the Hungarian Coffee Shop is only a few blocks away, and I arrived heroically drenched and cutely helpless. I now know for sure that I don't actually like getting caught in the rain and that I don't think I actually like pina coladas either.

The gray has been doing wonders for my creativity and contemplation. I also decided it was high-time I took charge of my roaring 20's and set out to accomplish something other than the usual socializing, studying, or cleaning. What inspired me so? I've been struggling to achieve a balance between my social butterfly and loner ways. It seems that I am always surrounded by people and often when I am, I'm struggling to escape somehow to my UWS cave so I can walk around in mismatched pajamas, sip ruby red grapefruit juice, and catch up on my reality TV. And yet, when I'm by myself, I can only take it for a maximum of 1 hour before wanting to commit myself to a mental institution. The grass is indeed always greener on the other side.

The rain and some poor planning have canned the day's more interesting possibilities and so I sit here with a latte by my side to discuss Christine Hassler's "10 Tips for Twenty Something Transformation" from The Huffington Post. The piece confirmed that my just-past-quarter-life-crisis is here to stay for at least another 4 years until I turn 30. Teenagehood was well-documented and understood, college was the best of times and the worst of times, and people will practically let you get away with murder during those years. But what happens when you're a 20-something? There are so many balances to strike, and we receive so many mixed messages about how to go about doing so. Slightly embittered by these realities, I offer my take on these 10, well-meaning tips:

1. Be present - Stop obsessing about the future and focus on now? There is no such thing. All anyone wants to know about are your plans for the future. When you are a 20-something, everyone assumes you have exciting and profound things in store for yourself. If we are to do that, then don't we have to think about the future? Life is what happens when you're not looking and planning, supposedly, but where I'm coming from, if you stop planning you might as well fall of the face of earth. Additionally, family will simultaneously tell you that you've had your fun and need to think about your future mate and the future of your reproductive system, and that you are also too young not to enjoy yourself. Not being absent isn't so difficult, but being present can be an arduous task.

2. Stop comparing - This is like one of those computer error messages that neither you nor the IT guy can understand. Female 20-somethings are especially hard-wired to ignore it. Anyone who gives this advice has likely been luckily enough not to suffer from the comparison syndrome and probably isn't in the position to advise a 20-something.

3. Stop caring about what other people think - Ditto.

4. Tune in - Paying attention to our intuition and gut feelings translates into following your heart, which many of us learned early on is a trick answer and not the way to go. I for one see signs everywhere, and so my instincts are not always very reliable. We've also been groomed not to trust ourselves, only to learn from the results of testing ourselves. I don't know if I have an antenna to really tune in, or how to fix it if it is broken.

5. Don't wait for permission, approval, or validation - Agreed that at some point in your life, you have to stop looking to others for the green light and go with whatever your gut, brain, and heart have concluded. This tip, however, simply ignores the array of social influences we're slammed by everyday, family being the most notorious one. You're lucky if your family really is crazy and its in your best interest to ignore them. Not so much if they're actually alright people and you have a decent relationship with them and sometimes, they actually know what they're are talking about. Then, you're kind of obligated to listen to them and subconsciously seek their permission, approval, or validation. Also, again, for female 20-somethings, validation is big - don't underestimate it.

6. Make choices - Today's twenty-something has an upscale problem: an abundance of choices which often leads to making no choice at all. If decision making is a weak skill, find ways to build your decision making muscle. Resist the urge to call your friends and parents when faced with a decision. Make little choices each day on your own, without consulting anyone else (unless of course your choice directly affects another or others) - I'll admit that I have a hard time with this one, but it just takes practice. I have chronic indecisiveness, but after some choices turned out okay, the rest have gotten a little easier. There are definitely way too many options in today's world, and some of my friends and I have discussed the pressure to make the right one - simply because the world is at our feet and we should be able to. We can be so afraid of making the wrong decision, and there is so much information that the decision-making process has practically become a hobby for some. But it's alright, because to be a great 20-something you also need to follow #7:

7. Make mistakes - I'm pretty good at this one, and I'm not petrified of making more. However, I would like to reduce the number, or at least the amount that is statistically significant. I do believe that everyone absolutely must leave their comfort zone at some point, and I'm quickly approaching that moment myself. Time to push again, and I can't wait.

8. Do things alone and 9. Build your tribe - And here are those diametrically opposed pieces of advice and the conundrum of the greener grass. Today was supposed to be one of my many exercises in Being Alone. I realized though, that like regular social planning, Being Alone requires some effort as well. If I hadn't woken up at 12:30 pm, for instance, I might have actually been able to make it to The Cloisters or the Hayden Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History. If I had plans that actually involved other people, I probably would have been a little more on top of my game. I did, however, have lunch by myself at a wonderful little crepe shop on Columbus Avenue, to which I feel like returning for dinner. And I can, because I'm by myself and there isn't anyone else around to care.

A little anecdote here. During my college years, one of my good friends, A, was also one of the most co-dependent people alive on this planet. A was one of those closet loners, like myself. On the surface he was kind of the guy to know, and a sort of social glue. But the truth is, all A needed was himself and one other person to tag along and validate his life observations. That was usually me. This relationship suited the middle child in me just fine. My resistance was often futile and superficial, and I was more than happy to let someone take charge and throw an element of surprise into my day. Post-college, I thought there might be something unhealthy about this friendship, but when A moved away and it changed, I longed for it again.

I have been this way most of my life, to a fault. I'm selectively selfish on my own, but that usually comes with becoming upset about something else. It's usually not an organic selfishness. I'm sort of like Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride, and I don't like Julia Roberts or any of her movies (for the most part). She was sort of a chameleon who changed according to the man she was with (which is not exactly my problem, but you get the idea). That scene where she is trying to figure out how she likes her eggs really got to me. I still don't really know how I like my eggs, but I've been thinking about if for years. This might explain a lot.

But I digress. So, I'm supposed to build a tribe, a network of those beyond my family and immediate friends. Networking is soo overrated. Especially since I'm also supposed to be on a diet and not be eating out so much, whether alone or with others. But my tribe, my network, the social foundation that wil make or break my future existence! What about my exercise in learning to love myself and enjoying the world alone? Which is better, or healthier? Buckwheat crepes or an industrially-produced, under-500 calorie meal from Fresh Direct while I keep up with the Kardashians? And dude, what of my non-existent plus-one? Despite his non-existence, everyone is really worried about him. But I need that Fresh Direct, home alone, along with a tribe and network, to snag him. Yet, I'll never be happy unless I'm happy by myself first.

If all of the above seem as hypocritical and generally messed up to you as they do to me, I propose Tip #9B - Build an island. Then become one. And don't move.

10. Be of service - Right on, seriously. About the only thing I feel like doing lately is helping someone in need, a complete stranger who could care less about my portion-sizes and reproductive system, and who would just appreciate some company and a smile. This is why I am far more curious about those I don't know than those I do. I certainly need to give back more - it seems to be the only relief from the self-absorbedness that is being a 20-something.

I rush off now to balance my Alone day with dinner and a companion because hey, I didn't have a pastry with my latte, and at least running between green and greener lawns is good exercise.